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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 15, 2012 11:30pm-12:00am PST

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d&!:qq-x r&tsá !ib"0ah) ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. ♪ ♪ >> the subject of tonight's particulars. america, our nation is at risk of squandering its proud
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progressions of hard work sobriety, and calvinism because the irish, a slacker group who just wants stuff and who corpse beef, anyway? beef was meant to be boiled. to lynch it of its captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group can. >> stephen: tonight, scandal at the c.i.a. why can't clare danes get her ( bleep ) together? ( laughter ) then can meth be medicine? four out of five spieds, or your face say yes. and my guest chris stringer is a paleoanthropologist who says all humans came from africa. see, i told you obama was from kenya. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the president is about to pardon a turkey. what did the turkey know about benghazi? ( laughter ) this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central
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( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, i'm in the tv biz, where it's all about the demo graphics -- the demo, we call it. so i work hard to appeal to the millennials. for example, by calling them millennials. ( laughter ) young people love being target marketed by their births date and purchasing power, you know,
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gangnam style. ( cheers and applause ) no idea what that means, but they eat it up! that's why-- that's why i stay up on all the hottest millennial trends. and right now, there is nothing 18- to 34-year-old upper middle-income kids love more than soup, playah! you need proof? well, let me school you on america's hottest liquid food trend, campbell's go, the new youth-scwug line of sumes made especially for millennials. that's right. every american generation is defined by one thing-- the greatest generation stopped hitler. the baby boomers stopped the vietnam war. and this generation will go down in history for demanding different soup. ( laughter ) ( applause ) according-- according to the company, campbell's go is a new line of sumes designed for people like us-- fun, busy, youngish. ( laughter )
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( applause ) folks, i think this marketing campaign is great-ish. now, i bet you're saying, hey, these new cans of soup can't get and more dope. hail to the nah because they come in a bag now, biatch! yeah! ( applause ) look at that guy. look at that guy right there. he's going, "what up, soup?" ( laughter ) jam a straw in it, okay. it's like capri soup. and because it's so hip, home slice, you're not going to see ads on the tv. no, that's for squares. you gotta surf over to the gamble's go web site emy, tumblir graphics that capture the spirit and energy one associates with soup. of course, you're probably
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thinking what's soup without music? that's what i thought. ( laughter ) well, they got that covered, too, because campbell's has partner with the music service spottify so consumers can create custom playlists built off the persona of the soup. soup-inspired playlists! it's like a mix tape you make for your girlfriend, only your girlfriend is a bag of soup. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) for example, i chose tom petty's "a wasted life "to describe whoever came up with this marketing campaign. ( laughter ) soup! now, nation, ever since former
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c.i.a. director david petraeus revealed his torrid affair, the scandal has the entire news-scape in a tizzy. >> the sex scandal that's rocked washington. >> a salacious sex scandal involving the now-former c.i.a. director. >> breaking new details on the fast-moving c.i.a. sex scandal. >> we have to talk about the fiscal cliff but i'm dying to ask you about the scandal because it's all anyone's talkin talking about. >> stephen: yeah. this sex scandal is all anybody in washington can talk about. i wonder why the country is in financial ruin? ( cheers and applause ) well, folks, i may be a news junky, but i also got to have my stories. and this is both. it's like a steamy episode of "general's hospital." ( laughter ) ( applause )
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and these days-- these days, information, i spend my afternoons you know plopped on the couch in the housecoat, watching cnn with a virginia slim in bon hand and a box of after 8s in the other. i don't care if the news goes straight to my himself. it is me time. this story has got everything-- a decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who senses the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfriend, so she sends an e-mail from a secret account saying step off or i will cut, biatch. and the second hottie freaks out and contacts her friends, f.b.i. agent, who launches an investigation, but gets pulled off the case because he sexed her a shirtless photo. the spy mastery protege, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. this isn't just a love triangle, information. it's a love pentagon.
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( cheers and applause ). i gotta say-- i gotta say, after that, it gets a little farfetched. i mean, all of a sudden, the second woman hans emotionally troubled identical twin. and both the spy mast expert general write letters of support for the twin sister's custody battle with her econclusion? oh, and listen to the name they came up with for him? grayson wolf. jimmy, we don't have a picture of him yet, so just put up a visual approximation. that's right. ( cheers and applause ). folks, i have to say, it's just not believable anymore. ( laughter ) i-- i think the news has jumped the shark. and the most unbelievable parts, they say that-- that-- that the general down there, that general over there, he is the top commander of our war in
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afghanistan. afghanistan? really? ( laughter ) please. if our troops were really still fighting in afghanistan, don't you think we'd be hearing about that on the news instead of all this bull ( bleep )? ( cheers and applause ) not believable. anyway. anyway, bottom line, it's a soap opera and it is done. we should all move on. >> oh, this is far from over, stephen. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: susan lucci! >> oh, yes. and there's more. general petraeus has developed amnesia, and-- ( laughter ) and can't remember that he's pregnant. ( laughter ) ( applause ) by his own evil twin, who is in
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a coma, and is my lover. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that doesn't make any sense. >> how dare you! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how can you do that from over there? >> don't you remember? i was in a boating accident, and now i have telekinesis. just like general petraeus. ( laughter )
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: i still think it's bull ( bleep ). >> year, you're probably right. . >> stephen: susan lucci, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ). 6cdr
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks, folks. nation, you know, you've heard it many times, they say that laughter is the best medicine. which is why i chuckle at sick people. this is cheating death with dr. stephen t. colbert, d.f.a. where's the pretty lady? ( laughter ) a quick disclaimer, i am not a medical doctor. i have an honorar doctorate in fine arts which is why i give pam sneers georgia o'keefe's paintings. as always, cheating death is it
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brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. prescott-- our products are made with t.l.c., tetro-licene-chlorofluoride. not a proven carcinogen. first up, drug health. a new study out of taiwan could lead to a breakthrough in battling ipfluenza. taiwanese scientists found of found meth may have flu-fighting properties. it's feed a fever, starve a cold. this discovery was made when scientists were trying to determine if meth would increase users' risk for getting sick with the flu. but in a surprising result, when they expose cells to meth, it reduce virus propagation and susceptibility to influenza infection. that's right. meth will fight off your flu. meth is the reason you were
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sleeping outside naked in the first place. the point is, the point is, folks, science has determined that other than brain damage, heart disease, severe weight loss, psychosis and destroying your own listen and otheres, meth is good for you. now, while meth is great for the flu, you can't just pop into a cvs to get it. and it's a little invideotape to drive to kentucky for a consultation with dr. ban joes. that's why prescott pharmaceuticals is proud to bring you vacsa-lab. lets you make high-grade flu medicine in your home. each kit comes with everything you need. sudafed, red phosphorous, lye, duct tape. a gun. ( laughter ) and a pair of fair eyebrows you'll need if you survive the
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explosion. ( applause ) side effects-- side effects of vacsa-lab may include adult-onset spiderring, inflamed garage, and occasional bouts of waking up while driving an oldsmobile through a cornfield. well, folk, that's it for cheating death brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. prescott, what doesn't kill you makes us part of our class action settlement. until next time, i'll see you in hell. ( laughter )
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a renowned paleoanthropologist who studies origins will of mankind. i guess it's up to me to tell him about the birds and the bees. please welcome chris stringer. ( cheers and applause ). dr. stringer, thanks so much for coming on. >> thank you. >> stephen: one of the world's foremost paleoanthropologist. that sounds very impressive. >> yes, it's a long word. >> stephen: it is, it is. the longer the word, the smarter
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you must be. >> possibly, possibly. >> stephen: you're also a researcher at the natural history museum in london, a fellow of the royal society, and you have a new book called "lone survivors: how we came to be the only humans on earth." gotta say, not a great photo of you on the cover there. >> yes. >> stephen: gained a few pounds. ( laughter ) lone survivors, the only humans on earth. humans are the only humans. what do you mean by this? >> if you go back 100,000 years -- >> stephen: i rarely do, i rarely do. i tend to stop about 6,000 years ago when everything was created. but go ahead. >> okay, we'll go back-- we'll go back even further. >> stephen: okay,. >> and then there were probably at least five kinds of humans on the earth 100,000 years ago. there were neander nalz europe. there were people over in asia cause the dis95iens.
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there were people in jaffa, and there was this weird thing nicknamed the hobbit living on the island of flores. and these other species died out and we're the only survivors. >> stephen: which were we? >> we were the ones evolving in africa, homo sapiens. and about 60,000 years ago we started to come out of africa. >> stephen: where did the neanderthal come from? if they weren't from africa? >> we go back now about 500,000 years. half a million years. we have a common ancestor with the neanderthals and we split from them and went in our own direction displfs that in africa we split off? >> probably. there was a species called homohyder berg, and it started to evolve into new species. north of the mediterranean and europe and asia, in africa it became us. and then we came out, and the big question is what happened when we came out.
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did we -- >> stephen: we kicked a little ass, didn't we? a little neanderthal ass. >> one view is wement the other species out. but it looks more complicated than that. and it wasn't a complete wipeout as we've learned in the last couple of years. >> stephen: what do you mean? there are no neanderthals left. >> they were into interbreeding. >> stephen: come ocome on. >> and you i have a little neanderthal in us. >> stephen: really? how much? what part of me is neanderthal? is it the guy who comes out when we're drunk? drunk? >> probably, it's in your d.n.a. but it may not be showing physically. >> stephen: is it doing anything in there or is it a sleeper cell, a terrorist d.n.a. sleeper cell? we interbred. >> we did. so basically, we get d.n.a. from the neanderthal fossils and we recreated most of the genome, so
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comparing that with humans we found people outside of africa people in europe, australia, native americans, they've all got a bit of neanderthal d.n.a. in them. and it's a change of relationship. because i used to think they complete-- we know they didn't go out. their d.n.a. lives on in us. >> stephen: can we get a neambassadorrer that will back by selective breeding? >> it's a good question. well, i was in a debate a couple weeks ago about cloning a neanderthal. and it's the sort of thing we would have said was impossible a few years ago. now, at least some idiot with enough money and arrogance could one day probably do it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: you're singing my song. are we still evolving? >> we are still evolving.
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>> stephen: what's next for us? >> i think we can say what isn't going to happen. you see these diagrams, pictures of stick people with great big brains. that is not going to happen. our breans have actually got smaller in the last 20,000 years. some maybe more than others. ( laughter ) but overall, we-- we have-- yeah, we have actually had shrinking brains in the last 20,000 years. >> stephen: how about our get gut? on our gut evolving? >> there's a thing called the expensive tissue hypothesis. we evolved our large brains by change our diet. our ancestors had great big guts because they were vegetarian. they never had enough spare energy because their guts were using. when we started eating meat, a much more concentrated form of food it freed up energy and we could start to run a bigger brain. >> stephen: that's why vegetarianism seems tow stupid to me. > thank you so much for joining
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me. the book is "lone survivors." chris stringer. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, hi there. i was just waiting for the camera to come back on and give my life meaning. ( laughter ) last month, we celebrated the seventh anniversary of the "colbert report." i didn't mention it at the time because america was thoughtlessly holding its presidential campaign during my special day. you know, i've been thinking about the last seven years, 1,118 shows, and asking what were our triumphs? what were our failures? when was the last time i slept? ( laughter ) of course, traditionally the seventh anniversary gift is wool, so i was going to get you sheep, then i thought, no, that's stupid. i've got a better present. i present


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